A week ago, I returned from Greece, where I was fortunate enough to celebrate my thirtieth birthday. In addition to the crystal-clear waters, mouth-watering cuisine, a lasting memory I have of the country is the kindness we were shown by locals. Not only the level of kindness, but the genuineness of it. Those working in restaurants, bars and hotels seemed genuinely pleased to welcome us, almost wherever we went. This got me thinking: how often in life do we encounter genuine kindness or gratitude?
Showing kindness is often taught to children as the hallmark of an orderly, considerate society. If you can be anything, be kind is what many British primary school kids are told. But such lessons in kindness do not necessarily follow through into later life and for some adults, notably men, kindness is even viewed as a weakness; an act that puts us at risk of being taken advantage of. So, is it not safe to say that we have gone from promoting kindness to somewhat discouraging it?
Kindness has become so uncommon in daily life that we refer to its expression as an act or a display; as something momentary as opposed to customary. We make kindness seem like hard work; we refer to it as putting ourselves out there for someone, as if being kind is some sort of exhausting venture into the unknown. We’ve coined the term emotional labour, which turns sharing feelings into hard work. But, is it true to say that many people do not know how to be kind? Or rather, have they simply forgotten what it means to be kind?
Perhaps forgetting isn’t the right word for it; devaluing may be better. The value of kindness may be taught at school, but the world outside the classroom could hardly be said to reinforce such values. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there is what children soon learn; put yourself first, always. For those who grow up witnessing online trolling and hate speech, the message is not show kindness: it’s defend yourself, attack if necessary. Watch out for your own interests.
This is perhaps the paradox of today’s society: we are better connected, yet more self-invested than ever. We crave connection to each other, while rarely putting anyone but ourselves first. We talk about self-care, when really what we’re talking about is selfish care. Ego massaging, persona pilates, yourself first yoga – that’s what they should be called. We exist as a collection of individuals who rebrand and replace rather than forge deep connection and community.
So let’s make this about ourselves as individuals. When was the last time you performed an act of kindness? Ask yourself: did you act kindly only because you were expecting to receive something in return? What price do we each put on kindness and what makes us all so often unwilling to pay it?